I like how direct you are with your questions. This is a very important topic
that should be discussed more often. There are many stereotypes about sexual
expression and people with disabilities. Many think that people with
disabilities are asexual -- that they don't care about sex because they have
too many other things to worry about in the world, or that they are physically
incapable of having sexual activity. These are simply myths!
If you are interested in dating this guy, by all means, ask him out. Ask him
out in the same way that you would ask out anyone else. Keep in mind that
wherever you decide to go must be wheelchair accessible (both the buildings
and the restrooms). You can call ahead and ask about access, but often the
best approach is to ask the person with the disability about accessible
dating options.
As far as saying the wrong thing, I would suggest using the same rules that you
would use with any person when about asking personal issues. Of course, being
too personal on the first date is often not a good idea. If you have a question
about his disability, I do think that it is okay to ask. I wouldn't do it within
the first five minutes of the date but at some later point in your time together.
I might say something like, "do you mind me asking about your disability?"
This allows the person to either answer or indicate to you that he is not
comfortable discussing the topic at that point in time. By waiting a bit longer
to bring this issue up, you are letting him know that you see different parts
of him besides his disability. Don't get me wrong, his disability is probably
a huge part of his life and should be discussed. It is certainly normal to have
questions and he is probably used to having them asked. Whether you bring it up
or he does, the topic of his disability will surface at some point in time.
If you get to the point of being sexual with one another, it is appropriate for
you to ask him for guidance. Tell him that you really are attracted to him and
want to be with him but that you are a bit unclear about how to touch him, and
what is and is not okay. The other option is to start being sexual with him and
let him guide you verbally and nonverbally through your encounter. Some feel
that this is a more natural way to let things happen.
It may be all right with him to touch his legs or other parts of his body that
have been affected by his injury. Depending upon the nature of his injury, he
may or may not have sensation in his penis and other areas of his body. Similarly,
his ability to achieve and maintain an erection will depend upon the nature of
his injury. Once again, when in doubt, ask for his guidance and permission in
taking you through this experience.
Overall, give yourself permission to have questions, apprehensions, and doubts.
But, do not let them get in the way of getting to know this person. Good luck!
