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Question
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My husband and I are coping with his fairly serious injuries from a car
accident almost eight years ago. He has severe chronic pain and spasms in
the neck, shoulder and back from five shattered discs. Oftentimes,
especially when he is stressed, exhausted and overworked, he will have
severe attacks of pain and spasms, sometimes even when we are making
love.
After almost a decade of dealing with his attacks of pain, I am beginning to
avoid contact with him. I get tense and distracted because I am afraid of
"causing" waves of spasms or pain, which can result in him feeling horrible
and being unable to sleep or move for hours.
I don't want our times together to make him feel worse, nor do I wish to
keep withdrawing from him. How can I deal with my fear and help us return to
our spontaneous lovemaking?
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Answer
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Keep communicating with your hubby. Set up weekly dates to reconnect. These
meetings may or may not include sexual interactions, but you should make
efforts to keep the romance going.
Try being sexual when your hubby tends to feel his best. Sometimes people
with health-related problems feel better at different parts of the day. Some
people will plan their intimate interactions one hour after taking pain
medication or anti spasm medications, others find that morning or evening is
a better time of day for intimate activities.
You might also try experimenting with all kinds of positions for kissing,
hugging and holding. This is the only way you are going to find out what
works best for you. You may end up getting frustrated, but remember—humor is
a great way to get through these difficult situations!
Finally, make an appointment with a sex therapist or counselor. This may
give you an opportunity to talk about the issues at hand, including the
frustration around losing the sex life you both once knew. Try to find
someone who had dealt with chronic health or disability-related issues, but
most of all, find someone with whom you feel comfortable.
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Best,
Dr. Linda Mona, a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in disability and sexuality issues and a disabled woman living with a mobility impairment.
MyPleasure provides up-to-date and useful sexual education materials in combination
with a store that allows people to buy, try, and learn about new aspects of
sexuality. We believe everybody deserves a great sex life.
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