Getting Assistance:
Having Sex and Using Your Sex Toy
by Dr. Linda R. Mona
Getting assistance has been on the minds of disabled people for quite some time
but only recently has been discussed in a few academic articles and amongst
community members in a variety of different venues. The most frequently-asked
questions about sex and personal assistance services (PAS) are: With what types
of sexual activities might an individual with disability need assistance? And, how
would you find a person willing to assist with such a private yet important activity?
While choosing the right sex toy and/or modifying it can assist a person with
a disability with being sexual, sometimes those changes are just not enough to
help facilitate the activity. There are people with disabilities who may need
assistance from another person for masturbation or having sex with someone else.
PAS refers to a person assisting someone with a disability to perform tasks
aimed at maintaining well-being, personal appearance, comfort, safety, and
interaction with the community and society as a whole. And, while sex is not
specifically included within the typical definition of PAS, it certainly does
fall within the domain of "well-being."
Below are examples of sexual activities that individuals with disabilities may
need PAS for experiencing their sexual pleasure:
- Physical Impairments
Removing clothes; positioning for masturbation;
positioning for partner sex; transferring in and out of the wheelchair onto the floor, couch,
or bed; stimulating a partner's body with your hand or sex toy; stimulating your own body with a hand
or sex toy; cleaning up and getting redressed; using birth control (condoms, diaphragm,
birth control pill, etc.)
- Visual Impairments
Preparation for sex; e.g., transportation to and from your
partner's location, shopping for sex toys, discussion and interpretation of sexual positions
often only drawn in books
- Hearing Impairments
Sign Language interpretation before and/or during sexual
activity with a hearing partner, phone interpretation if TTY or other telecommunication services
are not available
There is, of course, a wide array of what people need help with and who will agree to assist.
For example, someone may need assistance with setting up to use a sex toy; e.g., taking the
product out of its box, positioning it in a person's hand, and turning on the power, but may be
fine with actually stimulating herself/himself. On the other hand, another person may need
help with the whole process; e.g., all of the above, plus, holding the sex toy in place where
the person desires the stimulation. It is very important to think about these issues before
you look for a personal assistant and ask for help.
Although people with disabilities have been using PAS for sex over the years, there has been
much controversy about how one asks for such assistance and what others have found successful
in negotiating such a relationship. Below are some ideas about how to prepare to and have a
conversation with a potential personal assistant about helping with sexual activities:
- Develop a concrete list of activities with which you need assistance; e.g., removing
clothes, masturbation, touching a partner, using a condom or diaphragm, using a sex toy
- Establish boundaries and rules; e.g., indicate how long you estimate that an assistant
might stay in the room, and be able to identify the activities with which you do and do
not want assistance
- Agree upon a communication system to be upheld between the assistant and the disabled person
within the sexual encounter; e.g., establishing particular words, hand signals, eye blinks to
indicate when to start, stop, and leave room
- Partner involvement when both individuals have disabilities; e.g., communicating with a
partner about her/his physical abilities, feelings about assistance with sex, what her/his
understanding of the assistant's involvement is prior to interviewing a potential service provider
- Think about safety issues when choosing a provider; e.g., checking appropriate general
references for this person, making sure that a friend knows what is going on and may be able to
check in to see if the situation is safe, determining a way to call for help if you feel uncomfortable
Not surprisingly, this topic has been quite controversial for many reasons. Agencies that provide
funding for PAS will not specifically indicate that they would approve sexual activity as one of
the areas of basic needs for people with disabilities. However, bowel, bladder, and menstrual care
are typically approved as appropriate activities.
Sex is personal, private, and a basic need. So what do people with disabilities do? They ask for
assistance from friends or service providers other than their usual personal assistant. Most often
they pay out of pocket for this service. Or sadly, some disabled people choose not to pursue their
sexual experiences. While people without disabilities may take for granted their right to experience
their sexuality, people with disabilities have to fight for this right at various times throughout
their lives. Is it all worth it? Absolutely!
Dr. Linda R. Mona is a nationally recognized expert,
and well-known advocate, for disability rights. She has authored numerous
presentations and papers on the topic of sexuality and disability, in
particular, and often runs workshops on this very important topic.
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