Ground Rules for Exploring Fantasies
by Tamar Love
Before you begin to explore your fantasies or try anything that could be
remotely construed as "alternative," you and your partner need to observe a
few ground rules. This is not negotiable; in order to have safe, healthy and
consensual sex, you and your partner have to be in full agreement with what
you are doing. While it might be difficult or awkward to initiate this
conversation, think of how embarrassing or potentially devastating it will
be if you do something your partner doesn't welcome.
- Think About It
Before you talk to your partner about
incorporating some kind of alternative sexual practice into your sexual
relationship, think it over carefully. Do you want to do it? If you're
unsure, try picking up an
erotic book
or video that features that particular sexual act. If you find it arousing as
you're watching or reading it, you may be ready to try it in real life. Don't be
frightened or hesitant about discussing your desires with your partner, just
make sure you want to go there before you go there; don't open doors you can't
close.
- Talk About It
If you or your partner has been thinking about
introducing a new element into your sexual relationship, it's important to
talk about it before you enact it. Make sure you both want to try the
"something new." Talk about what will be involved, how far you will pursue
your fantasy, the particulars, and anything else you can think of. If your
partner seems interested, even aroused, you are both ready to do it. If your
partner is still hesitant or unhappy, you need to talk more before you
begin. You might try sharing an erotic film or
book
with your lover to see if he or she also finds it arousing.
- Set Boundaries
Once you and your partner have decided to move
forward with your fantasy, set a few boundaries. Decide what elements you
want to explore and which ones are off-limits. If it helps, make a written
list of what you can and cannot do. Needless to say, it's critical that you
observe these guidelines. If, during play, you decide you want to go
further, make a mental note for next time. Never accelerate or escalate play
without discussing it first.
- Pick a "Safe" Word
With your partner, select a "safe" word, a
word that, when uttered by one of you, immediately halts all sexual play.
Choose something you aren't likely to say during your play; for example,
"tongue" would be a poor safe word, while "celery" would probably work fine.
Only speak this word when a boundary is violated or when one of you changes
your mind about the direction of the play.
- Debrief
When your play is finished for the night, take a few
minutes to talk about what you and your partner just experienced, what
worked and what didn't, what you loved and what you hated. This used to be
called "pillow talk;" now it's called "debriefing." An excellent time to
discuss boundaries, acceleration, deceleration or escalation of your
fantasies, your debriefing time is also a good opportunity to reaffirm your
connection with one another.
That said, get ready to play! There is absolutely nothing wrong with
experimenting with different forms of sexual play, provided both partners
are happy about it. In fact, by bringing new elements into your sexual
relationship, you are actually improving your relationship and making it
healthier.
Note: The term "alternative sex" can mean just about anything you want it
to, just as "normal" can mean different things to different people. However,
for our purposes, we'll define alternative sex as anything other than
man-on-top, woman-on-bottom intercourse.
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